Life is easy and cheap to make. But the things we add to it, such as pride, self-respect and human dignity, are worthy of preservation, too, and these can be lost in a fetish for life at any cost.

I believe that if the burden gets too great, those who wish to should be allowed to be shown the door.

In my case, in the fullness of time, I hope it will be the one to the garden under an English sky. Or, if wet, the library.

It is not easy to think of the end of someone’s life. I certainly know that with everything that I have been through this year, that I would rather not think of it; and yet, there is power in thought. There is power in decision, and strength in not fighting.

My sister and I were fortunate to be present when our mother passed earlier this year. Because she had long suffered from COPD, the issue of what happened tomorrow often included a matter-of-fact discussion of what happened at the end. We both knew, deeply and with complete certainty, what mom wanted when the time came. There was no doubt there.

Yet the decision to let go was not easy, or simple. It was nothing less than a battle of selfish instinct versus selfless desires: my desire to have my mother in my life; her desire not to suffer any longer and not to become a burden on her children. We were fortunate to be surrounded by people who understood what we were going through. They knew how difficult the decision was, but they also knew what our mom wanted, as she was an adopted mother to them as well. Their certainty reinforced ours and gave us strength to make a decision that we did not want to make.

When mom finally took her oxygen off for the third time, and then decided to keep it off, we knew the time had come. So many years of suffering—of fighting. Nearly a decade with a disease the doctors insisted would take her within a year or two. More strength than either of us could imagine wielding, especially in the face of insurmountable opposition. The time had come to stop fighting.

Fortunately, we were able to reunite my mom with people who, for reasons small and large, had drifted apart. Clara, her friend and margarita buddy, for so many years. Caroline, the woman who had raised me—taught me to like liver and onions—and whose spirituality made some discussions difficult, so that she had hid things from her friend for years. In the end, when the last moments tick away, concerns about the future become meaningless and my mom was able to reveal things she had kept to herself. In those last moments, there was nothing but love and acceptance, unfiltered by society’s antiquated moors.

When the house finally stood still—the oxygen machine off for the first time in many, many years—and my mom lay peaceful for once, I realized that no matter how much it hurt, we had done what children are often called to do. To say goodbye, and to realize that we all live forever in the hearts of others. Our legacy is not money or property; our legacy are the memories we leave embedded in other’s lives. Our mom had battled harder than anyone had any right to expect, and lived to see her daughter finish graduate school and married; her son happily settled. The weights on her heart were lifted in those last days and she was finally at peace.

When the day finally comes for me that I might face the dimming days, I can only hope that I have inherited a measure of my mom’s strength to fight and to finally know when to fight no longer. I can only hope that those around me can find the strength to let it happen and find the peace in knowing that I find in my mom’s own graceful exit.

To my sister Kim and my brother-in-law Chad; to Cary; to my friends Sharlene and Brettany; to Clara and Caroline, and the truly amazing people at Hospice Austin, I can never say thank you enough. And to my mom, who never leaves my thoughts for more than a moment, thank you.

The original version had an amazing cast, and while it was a financial failure, has gone on to be a massive cult hit. Take a look at some of the members:

• Tim Curry as the butler
• Eileen Brennan as Mrs. Peacock
• Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White
• Martin Mull as Colonel Mustard
• Michael McKeen as Mr. Green
• Leslie Ann Warren as Miss Scarlet
• Christopher Lloyd as Professor Plum

Where in the world, in this day and age, are you going to find a cast like that to work with? The movie itself was simply a framework for some brilliant comedic performers to work with. A projection screen for all their neurotic behavior and silliness.

Then again, maybe I’m biased; I’ve seen it hundreds of times.

Connard came in, tossed the brownie/cookie to the side of his desk and, with a very big sigh, said: We French don’t indulge in constant fattening like you Americans so please don’t bring me more of your sweet food.

Really? You’re kidding me, right? Not even a “thank you, but I don’t eat sweets/like chocolate/etc”? Basically, it was “f-you, you fat American pig”, which is ironic since the partner isn’t the least bit overweight. I had previously written off Connard’s inconsiderate and self-obsessed linguistic misteps as simply an unfamiliarity with the English language, such as “well, I let you go to the doctor last week”, but this to me illuminates a gaping hole of persona where politeness, decency and one might even say simple humanity would normally be placed. Instead, it’s replaced by a gigantic serving of douche.

First, it’s been holiday-season and there’s been more travel and things going on than is usual for me this time of year. That keeps me pre-occupied with other things. Second, there’s the post-election implosion of my political interest. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t care enough right this second to bother. In a few weeks, I suspect that will change.

Lastly, and most importantly, I fell in love. You know that feeling that you thought you lost when you were 17, but somehow manages to show back up 20 years later? Yeah, that. Quite honestly, while there’s plenty to talk about, my desire to maintain some abstract sense of privacy has kept me from discussing my private life. Needless to say, that limits what I talk about on here. Regardless, the future will be different, and I look forward to facing it accompanied by the best partner anyone could ever hope for.

Oh and Doogie.

You’re asked now to stand on a question of love. All you need do is stand and let the tiny ember of love lead its own fate. You don’t have to help it. You don’t have to applaud it. You don’t have to fight for it. Just don’t put it out. Just don’t extinguish it.

Well said.

The church is serious about the sanctity of marriage. I get that. But aren’t more potentially “dangerous” marriages already being performed out there?

For example, I hear in church all the time about marriage being ordained of God. But I also hear about how the glory of God is intelligence.

Shouldn’t it be against the law for stupid people to get married? What’s more harmful to society – two well-dressed men getting married and settling down, or two idiots tying the knot and cranking out any number of additional idiots?

You should have to pass a harder test to get married than the one we currently have. Essentially, there are but two questions: “How old are you?” and “Is that your sister?” Hell, you could pass this test just by guessing.

Seriously. What the hell is wrong with people? I stay out of your church, you stay out of my bedroom.

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for your interest in joining the Obama-Biden Administration. Within a few days, you will receive an email with a link to the more complete on-line application. Please be patient, as we are trying to respond promptly to the large number of people who are interested in working in the Administration.

While it would likely be a pay cut, for the first time I’m interested in public service.

I can not begin to imagine what Barack Obama and his family are going through right now, but I imagine it a maelstrom of anguish, anticipation and sorrow. Nobody can walk in the shoes of another man at such a time, and it is all we can do to stand back one extra step, breathe deep and bow our heads so that others might shed a tear in peace.

While I am not a religious, or even spiritual person, I can not help but think of the words of Martin Luther King at this time:

Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

I can only hope that my mother is half as proud of me as Obama’s grandmother must have been of him.

I took a few photos (150-200 or so), and will see what I can get uploaded when I get home and have access to my card-reader. Woops!

Personal Rate of Return from 01/01/2008 to 09/26/2008 is -13.5%

Read that again. Since the beginning of the year I’ve lost 13.5%, and most of my money is not in the US markets, but overseas. Joy! The only slight solace I might take is that my employer match wiped out that loss at least.

In trying to move some things around to rearrange things, I started trying to roll the cabinets. Since they’re on casters I figured this wouldn’t be too hard. The shorter cabinet (3 “units” high) moved without trouble. The taller cabinet (4 “units”) didn’t want to budge. The caster lock wasn’t set, so I just thought it might be stuck on something. I pushed; nothing. I pushed again, and I heard a pop, and one of the wheels split and the picture you see is the basic result. Total collapse.

Well, that was fun. I did some research on getting a new base for the cabinet and discovered that 4 “units” is not supported and not recommended. So, I’ll change to the non-wheeled version. That simply means that I have to replace a couple unit bases to keep the “look” the same. Fortunately, this series has been relatively durable.

Guess it’s time to throw out some books. Do I really need that book on X.400 communications, or a full set of the rainbow series, the last of which is dated 15 years ago?

Just 2 hours short of 7 days I am home. I told him I would think about it.

Yup … you knew it was going to happen … Eeyore is waiting for me, confronts me, tells me that I’m a “quitter” and “risking my job” and regardless of the fact that nothing remaining for me requires my hands-on attention, refuses to acknowledge the situation. He then tells me it’s his sole discretion when I leave the project, not my manager’s and attempts to usurps authority from legal and HR that are not his. He couldn’t be bothered to deal with it until the 11th hour, and even then does so from a position that is indefensible.

The fun continues … I’m on a 2pm flight home.

This didn’t come easily, though. I’ve repeatedly asked for a roll-off date—for 2 months—and been denied any information. In many cases, I was told it as “inappropriate” to even ask. Regardless, I finally put my foot down when it was apparent that there was little if anything that I could contribute at this point. I discussed it with my manager, who backs me, and emailed the project manager and his boss.

The response? Nada. Zilch. Zip. Squat. Null.

In his normal passive-aggressive fashion, Eeyore is not even alluding to the fact that he knows I’m leaving the project, even when I bring it up. I know he read the email 2 weeks ago, but refuses to acknowledge it. I’m quite sure that come the 8th, I’ll get a call wondering where I am.

1. We’ve not “dry run” this test before
2. It involves a third-party that will not be directly participating

1. It requires hardware to be installed that isn’t installed yet

   Unfortunately, none of this is unique to this instance. It has all contributed to a failure in testing that could easily have been avoided with better planning, and more importantly, listening to the subject matter experts (SME) who are actual responsible for accomplishing work. There’s nothing like making commitments to the client, then discussing it with the staff that has to execute.

   Moron.

   ¹ I now call the Project Manager Eeyore because he can suck all the motivation out of a team simply by walking into the room. That, combined with his speaking “style”—if one can be so generous as to call it that—contribute to the general attitudes towards him.

   ]]> http://blog.amber.org/2008/08/12/typical-dumb-project-management/feed/ 1 http://blog.amber.org/2008/08/02/ruminations-on-relocation/ http://blog.amber.org/2008/08/02/ruminations-on-relocation/#comments Sat, 02 Aug 2008 16:01:01 +0000 petrilli http://blog.amber.org/2008/08/02/ruminations-on-relocation/ The times, they are a’changing. A few days ago, in a discussion with my sister, I discovered that my mom’s health has been slipping a bit more than she has confessed to me. This means that her situation—emphysema—is something that is slipping slowly towards a foreseeable, if unthinkable, end. That’s got me wondering if it’s time to move back to Austin, if only for a few years.

   Since moving away 14 years ago this month, the city has changed, but so have I. I left for many reasons; not least of which to prove I could make it on my own from scratch. I’ve done that, in spades, but now family beckons me back, and so my mind has turned heavily to what that means.

   I could certainly continue my current travel insanity from anywhere with an airport, however, that’s not what I want long-term, and I wonder how to extricate myself from the insanity. Much to contemplate.

   ]]> http://blog.amber.org/2008/08/02/ruminations-on-relocation/feed/ 2 http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/28/alan-kay-on-education/ http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/28/alan-kay-on-education/#comments Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:25:03 +0000 petrilli http://blog.amber.org/?p=3042 Alan Kay has some thoughts on education in this country:

   [ ... ] As Marvin Minsky once pointed out, every educational method works for some students. This is because another deeply important factor is that children in a single classroom exhibit a wide variation in motivations, knowledge, skills, maturity and “wiring”. Different children need different approaches. A classroom is a tough place to learn anything (as an orchestra is a tough place to learn how to play an instrument). The US factory approach to education was hoping for economies of scales via method, but it forgot that it wasn’t about just turning out Model-T’s, but every kind and variation of vehicle using every kind and variation of materials and design.

   As a student of an alternative structure of education, I can say that the traditional manufacturing approach is inappropriate for my needs.

   ]]> http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/28/alan-kay-on-education/feed/ 0 http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/26/randy-pausch/ http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/26/randy-pausch/#comments Sat, 26 Jul 2008 12:22:32 +0000 petrilli http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/26/randy-pausch/ Reading Jeffrey’s blog post, it all made stunning sense. I had seen—all over the Internet—posts about the professor who gave The Last Lecture having died. The thing was, I had no idea who it was, and given the health of my mom, I wasn’t really in a good place to be reading about someone else’s passing who I didn’t know.

   The thing was, I did know him; or at least I’ve met him. Like Jeffrey, we met at IPC8 held in DC in January of 2000. Randy Pausch was one of the keynote speakers and he spoke about his “baby”, Alice, but that really wasn’t what the speech was about. It was about breaking down barriers and inspiring kids of all ages. It’s a speech I still remember to this day, not for the deep technical insight, but more for the deep human insight that it contained.

   And there’s the thing. Randy brought that level of passion, intelligence and humor to everything; even long before he was diagnosed with cancer. While “The Last Lecture” might be a retrospective and what he is now remembered for, it was only the last in a long line of passionate living.

   ]]> http://blog.amber.org/2008/07/26/randy-pausch/feed/ 1